Broken Light
by Divine Sally Bowles
Summary: Without telling Jude, Lucy makes a huge decision that will affect their future— and very possibly end up tearing them apart. Twoshot. LucyJude. Rated T for a bit of language. Complete!
1. Broken Light

**A/N- Hello, my dear readers, and welcome to my first _Across The Universe_ fic, _Broken Light_. It'll be a twoshot. Those of you who may have read my _Rent_ fics know that I do not dawdle, that drama is my friend, and that I have a love affair going with drama's friend Cliffhanger. :)**

** I'd really appreciate reviews on this one; ATU is my current obsession and if this gets positive reviews, I may write more. Thank you all so much and hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Part One  
Broken Light

Lucy comes home in a daze. She leans against the door to shut it and then sinks to the floor, leaning her elbows on her knees and putting her head in her hands, rubbing at her eyes. _Shit._

She's made the appointment for the next day. The doctor had told her to at least think it over, but Lucy doesn't want to. The faster it's done, the better. She lied, said no one was behind her, and that it wouldn't go over well, when in reality, she knows Jude would be ecstatic, if he knew.

Her mind goes back to the question once more—what _will_ she tell Jude? Does she even want him to know? She's not planning on it—what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

Jude comes out of his workroom wiping paint onto his old jeans, planning to wash his hands and grab a bite to eat, maybe take Lucy if she wants to come. "Hey," he says with a smile, though he glances at her sitting on the floor a little oddly. "You okay?"

Lucy sighs and gets up. She doesn't quite know why she's going to do this. She nods to their bedroom and says quietly, "Jude, we need to talk."

Concerned, Jude follows her to the bedroom. "What's going on?"

Lucy sits down on the bed, resting her head against the wall.

"Jude, I'm pregnant."

Jude is speechless for a moment, quite honestly not knowing what to say. To say the least, it is unexpected. He can't say he's displeased—quite the opposite, really; even if they are a little young, he's always wanted a family, so he can be the dad he's never had.

"That's… that's great!" he says finally, hugging her. "That's… wow, Luce…"

"Yeah, I said the same." Lucy says quietly, a little distant.

This strikes Jude as nothing out of the ordinary; he thinks maybe she's a bit shocked. He knows he is. He sits down on the bed beside her, then jumps up again. Shit, he can't hold still. "I think we should… you wanna go out to dinner? I'll pay."

"No, I just… want to lie down. Really tired," she explains, still quiet. "I'll… I'll see you later, okay? You can go have a drink or something."

"You sure you don't want me to stay?" Jude asks, now concerned.

"I'm just going to sleep." Lucy gives him a weak smile. "I'll be fine, Jude."

"Okay." Jude leans down and kisses her forehead as she stretches out to sleep. "Love you," he says softly.

"Love you too," Lucy whispers as he leaves.

* * *

Jude slowly pulls out of the tangled embrace he and Lucy fell asleep in, being very careful so that he doesn't wake her up. He brushes his hand over her skin as he gets out of bed, and she stirs very slightly, but doesn't open her eyes. 

He crosses to the table at the other end of the room, taking up his sketchpad. He remembers the morning he sketched her sleeping. He doesn't like remembering the rest of that day, but the memory of just watching her sleep, catching her in her natural beauty, is one of his favorites of her.

He'd brought Lucy some dinner from her favorite restaurant; she'd been awake when he'd come home. He'd gotten a beer for himself. He's not overwhelmed any longer; he's… _happy _with this.

He sits on the floor by the bed and rests his sketchbook against his knees so he can study Lucy up close. God, she's beautiful. He wonders if their baby, boy or girl, will look like her. He smoothes her hair back, tenderly, with his thumb.

When Lucy wakes hours later, exhausted, she's facing him. He's already awake, lying beside her with his elbow on the pillow, his head propped in his hand, watching her.

"What're you doing?" she murmurs tiredly.

"Watching you," he says softly. "You're beautiful, Luce."

Lucy looks away, but smiles, weakly, for him. "I have to go to work."

Jude nods. "I'll see you tonight, okay?"

Lucy's voice shakes a little, but she hides it well enough. "Okay."

* * *

Lucy gets to work, but she's not going in today. She's already called in sick and said she has a doctor's appointment. Really, it's not a lie, since she does. 

She doesn't really know why she told Jude. When she tells him, it will crush him. She hates herself for telling him she's pregnant, knowing it would hurt him in the end.

One of the other waitresses, Carol, is waiting for her as Lucy comes up to Katz's, shoving the money into the pockets of her jeans. She's made sure to save money, in case an emergency comes up. Now, she's glad she did.

"You ready?" Carol asks her. Lucy breathes out shakily and nods. "Yeah," she whispers.

Carol has been through this once before; as they walk she watches Lucy with an odd combination of sympathy and pity. She's offered Lucy moral support and a way home after the procedure. "Did you tell him?"

Lucy swallows and nods. She feels like vomiting. "Yeah… I shouldn't have, I _know_ I shouldn't have… but I did. Fuck, this'll kill him…"

Carol squeezes her shoulder. "It'll be okay."

During the whole procedure, Lucy keeps her eyes tightly shut. The doctor, assuming this is just another frightened teenager, does not find this unusual.

In her head, bizarrely, Lucy is thinking of the day she'd called her mother from the phone booth at the riot, how after she'd hung up she'd stood there, eyes closed, desperately repeating the last words Jude had said to her.

_"Don't you know it's gonna be all right… you know it's gonna be all right… you know it's gonna be all right…"  
_

* * *

Jude comes home late that night, carrying a few shopping bags. Lucy, Max tells him, has been in her room all afternoon, something he chalks up to PMS. Jude suppresses a smile. 

He enters their room quietly, not wanting to wake her if she's asleep. She is lying facedown on the bed, her face buried in the pillows. Jude sits on the bed, still holding one of the bags, and gently touches her back. "Lucy?"

Lucy looks up. Her eyes are a little red, but he doesn't find this unusual; he'd heard her crying the night before when she thought he was asleep. "Hey, Jude," she whispers.

"I, um… got a surprise," Jude tells her with a small grin. He hands her the shopping bag. "For the baby."

Lucy doesn't want to, but she looks inside, shuts her eyes. God, this makes it so much harder… he's being so goddamn sweet and she's gone and thrown away what's making him so happy… "Jude," she whispers.

"What is it? You don't like it? I—"

"N—no, Jude… I… Jude, there isn't going to be a baby," she manages to get out past the lump in her throat. Tears burn in her eyes as she begins to fear how he'll take it.

"What?" Jude asks, his voice low and strained, after a long silence.

"Jude, I got an abortion," Lucy whispers.

She doesn't want to look at his face, doesn't want to know what he must be feeling—about her, about their future, about where they can possibly go from here.

She doesn't follow him at first when he grabs the shopping bag and tears out of the room.

* * *

Alone in his workspace, with his thoughts and his anger and his regrets, Jude has a complete breakdown. He has only felt like this once before—that night at the riot, watching Lucy being torn away from him, screaming her name despite the blood streaming into his mouth. 

Only twice has he felt his world spinning out from under him.

He's screaming—whether silently, or aloud, he cannot tell, but since no one is coming to see what's wrong, he's betting silently. There are hot tears gushing down his face, seemingly endless. He feels like he can drown.

He can barely see.

He can barely _breathe._

Lucy had aborted their baby. _Lucy_ had aborted their _baby._

Why had she even told him? Why had she even _dared_ to say that to him, when she _knew_ she was going to get rid of it?  
Would he even be _alive_ if his own mother had thought to do that to him?

He rips open the bag he'd started to give Lucy, throwing its contents all over the room. It's just clothes for the baby, but right now, all Jude wants to do is destroy every reminder of a future he is never going to have.

The closest thing that is sharp enough is his palette knife. He grabs the nearest thing to him—a white shirt—and starts stabbing into it, crying so hard he's blinded, occasionally missing the shirt and slicing into his fingers. The bleeding is pretty bad, but he doesn't care—physical pain is really nothing right now.

This is how Lucy finds him—sobbing, bleeding, the baby clothes still strewn everywhere, the slashed white fabric lying by Jude's knees as he remains knelt on the floor, the palette knife clenched in his hand.

"Jude?" she whispers, not even knowing why she's daring to come close, when she's the cause of all this. She kneels down by him and takes a closer look at him. "Oh, God, Jude, you're bleeding…" She starts to reach for his hand.

"Leave it," he whispers fiercely.

"Jude—"

_"I said leave it!"_ he yells. Lucy pulls back, wanting to comfort him, but not being able to find the words, or the courage.

"I love you," she whispers, pathetically. "Jude, Jude, please, I love you, and I'm so, so sorry…"

"Don't even apologize… Lucy, _why?_ Why did you tell me when—?"

"It just came out… I don't… God, I don't know," Lucy whispers. "Jude, I—I never wanted to hurt you… I never should have… told you…"

"So you would have aborted our child without telling me; that would have made this easier?"

His voice is low, barely audible, but the pain and anger in it stops Lucy cold. God, she's hurt him so badly… what can she possibly say?

"I should go," she whispers, shakily.

"Yeah. I think you should," Jude manages to choke out, finally turning away.

* * *

**Again, I'd really appreciate reviews, and if you like this story, then check out my others; they're similar! I appreciate everything, my lovelies!  
**

** - Sally.**


	2. Whatever Gets You Through Today

Part Two  
Whatever Gets You  
Through Today

For the next two weeks, Jude refuses to talk to Lucy, or to sleep in their bed. He claims the couch in his workroom; spends all day, every day in there, emerging only to grab food—and not much at that.

Lucy begs and pleads, trying to explain. She sits outside his door and calls for him. Absorbed in painting or sketching, doing his best to ignore her, Jude never answers.

His reaction is only making it worse for Lucy, who now feels like she's done something so wrong, so horrible. She hates herself every day. No one asks what their fight is about, but after two weeks, everyone is getting concerned.

Though Jude is his best friend, Max finds that doesn't apply in this situation. Lucy's upset, and whatever the hell the fight is about, he's not letting Jude carry it on any longer.

Coming home from the cab company one day, with Lucy still working and Sadie and JoJo doing sound check down at the Café, Max finds Jude in his workroom.

Jude glances up as the door opens. "Can you close it?" he asks simply. It is the first time Max has heard Jude speak since two weeks before, whatever the hell that was about.

Max kicks the door shut, glances over the area. There's a bottle of whiskey at Jude's feet, a dripping paintbrush in his hands—blue paint. The entire wall in front of him is a canvas, the way Jude prefers to work, and it's covered in dark colors. There are some scars on his fingers Max is sure haven't been there before.

"Jude, whatever you're doing, stop. I can't take seeing my sister like this, and I'm not going to much longer. I know you can't, either."

"You don't have any idea what you're talking about."

"I don't. Well, then, why is it that every night I hear her crying?" Max demands, taking a step closer. "Why is it that every day she sits outside your door and begs you to come out?" Another step, his expression now menacing.

"You're not part of this, Maxwell. Leave it."

The combination of hearing his full name and Jude _daring_ to have the fucking _gall_ to mistreat his sister makes Max furious. He stalks forward and grabs a fistful of Jude's shirt, yanking him closer. "You _will_ make up with her. You _will _apologize. Or, I swear to God, Jude, I will kill you."

"It's _her_fault, all right?" Jude practically yells, ripping out of Max's vicelike grasp.

"Bullshit!" Max fumes, his nostrils flaring.

_Fuck_, Jude thinks, _he's a sight when he's angry._ If he wasn't frightened for his life, he'd laugh.

"What did she _ever_ do to you?" Max demands. "What did she fucking do that's so bad?"

Now Jude's the one who's angry. "How about that she got an abortion!" Jude yells, not remembering for the moment that Max would likely murder him for getting his baby sister pregnant. "How about that she fucking told me that she was pregnant, then went and got an abortion _without telling me_!"

Max gapes, unable to take this all in so fast. He'd known Lucy and Jude were sleeping together; that had been abundantly clear. He definitely had _not_ expected Lucy to, first, be pregnant, and second, get an abortion—though she'd never kept secret her desire not to have children. But for her to tell Jude, then get rid of the baby…

"Shit… Jude, I—I don't…"

"Before you judge," Jude says quietly, "just think that you may be wrong."

Max breathes out very slowly. Shit, this is not the way he's pictured things going. For one thing, he'd thought Lucy was the one being wronged, not Jude. The only thing he can do is get them speaking again, and who knows how that will turn out.

"I'll…try to get her to talk to you?"

"Don't ever bother," Jude sighs. "I—I was really angry… I yelled at her."

"If it helps, she really regrets it, I think," Max says quietly. "She cries at night. Doesn't think anyone can hear, but we do."

Jude leans against the wall, closing his eyes. He doesn't know what to do. He still loves Lucy, but… it had been _their _baby…how could she _do _that?

There was only one way to find out, he guesses.

He grabs his jacket and shrugs it on.

Leaving the building, he shoves his hands deep into his pockets and walks to Katz's.

* * *

Lucy is on her break. She's sitting alone in the back room, silent. The other waitresses have noticed the change in her behavior, but try not to ask questions.

She's trying very hard not to cry, but it's difficult. Jude still hasn't spoken to her, and she doesn't know what to do.

She'd been so sure that they weren't ready to be parents. Why couldn't he see her side? She had to go to college pretty soon; she was only a waitress, he sold the occasional painting or drawing; her family would _not_ be supportive; they'd have to get a new place…

She'd had so many arguments, so why are all of them suddenly turning to dust?

Lucy buries her face in her knees, her hair escaping from its loose bun and becoming plastered to her face by her tears as she starts to cry silently. Just as she's about to let go, to cry harder, the knock on the door comes, followed by Carol's quiet voice. "Lucy?"

Lucy wipes her eyes hurriedly and looks up. "Come in…"

Carol opens the door, but she's not alone. Jude is with her.

"He came asking for you," Carol explains as she steps away. Jude closes the door behind her and slowly comes to sit by Lucy.

He looks a little different. The cuts from the palette knife have left scars, and she immediately feels bad. Not just bad—_terrible_. All of this is completely her fault…

He hasn't shaven recently, and he looks haggard, exhausted. There's a faint scent of whiskey on his clothes, but he's not drunk.

They sit in silence for an eternity.

Finally, Jude starts. "Lucy…"

He pauses, swallows. Why is this so damn hard? He loves her, dammit. He loves her and he very stupidly made her think that wasn't true. He damn well wants to fix this.

Jude starts again. "Lucy, I… I'm not mad anymore. It's not… worth it to be mad. In the end, it would have—_should_ have—been your choice.

"I… I'm not going to lie, I'm still upset that you didn't tell me. But it's more that you were _afraid _to tell me that bothers me. I don't… know what I may have said or done in the past to make you think otherwise, but… I would have been there for you, Luce," he says quietly. "If you wanted to talk, if…" another pause, another swallow as his throat tightens up, "… if you'd just wanted me there to hold your hand… during…"

He chokes on the rest of his words, unable to finish. He doesn't want to think of how scared she must have been, of how many tears she must have cried that day, and since.

He reaches out and takes her hand, tenderly. His gentleness surprises Lucy, who looks at him, her eyes wet with tears. "I'm so… I'm so sorry, Jude…"

Jude wraps his arms around her and holds her tight. Lucy does the same, wrapping her arms around his waist, breathing out heavily as tears stream down her face. She's missed him.

"I wish you'd been there," she says tearfully. "Jude, I… I wanted you there… I was so scared… I—I was afraid you'd be so mad and you were, after… I'm sorry…"

"I know," Jude whispers. "I know."

"I—I had so much to say to you; I felt like I could justify it… I mean, I have to go to college, I felt like we were too young…"

Jude nods, just a little. "I know," he repeats. "And I… see it your way, now. Right now, I'd rather not have a family… we're too young… I want things to be different for our baby than they were for me," he admits quietly, the first time she's heard him even suggest that he disliked the way he grew up. "I want us to at least have some money… I—I want us to be married…"

Surprised, Lucy looks up at him. "You—you mean that?"

Jude nods.

Lucy's head is spinning. Not only has she given up on her resolution not to have kids, Jude has just admitted that he wants to get married someday. Her future is in some kind of tailspin.

She is just opening her mouth to speak when her boss, Richard, raps sharply on door. "No boyfriends!" he calls curtly. "We have customers!"

Lucy gives Jude a thin smile, as if to say, _Duty calls_. For now, everything is okay between them. "See you later?" she whispers.

Jude leans forward and kisses her lips, his hands lingering for a moment in her soft, blond hair. "Yeah," he says softly against her lips. "Later."

* * *

He moves back into their room that night. Sadie and JoJo have gone out somewhere, Prudence and her newest girlfriend are out as well, and even Max has found a date. Thus, the lovers were alone to do as they would.

They are lying in bed after making love, Lucy with her head laid on his shoulder, her fingers playing softly over his skin as he sketches, absently. She has been thinking over his words from that afternoon all day.

"We should do it," she says without even thinking.

"Do what?"

"Get married. Eventually," she tells him, smiling a little when he looks at her, clearly delighted. It's so good to see him happy again.

"And you really do want a family?" he asks her, just wanting to be sure—she's explained that she didn't want kids before.

"I do," Lucy softly confirms. "With you. You're the only person I could possibly want that with."

Jude sets down his sketchpad, leaning over and kissing her. "So we're starting again?"

"We're starting again," Lucy nods, stroking her hand over his chest as he pulls away.

Jude picks up his sketchpad and turns to a blank page. So many possibilities for the future spring to his mind.

He settles on sketching the two of them as they are now.

It is the best thing he can imagine. She is the only thing he could possibly want.

"I love you," he murmurs, glancing at her to get the profile of her face right.

She kisses his lips so softly that he almost thinks he imagines it. "I know," she says softly. "God, do I know."

* * *

**A/N- I'm pleased that I got reviews for this story; I've been having a lot of fun writing and RPing ATU! If any of you have ATU-loving friends, pass this on; those of you that have this on alert, please review if you haven't? It means a lot to me! Share the ATU love, guys, let's put out the word that there's fics for it!**

**I'm writing a new ATU fic, length unknown at the moment, about Lucy, Jude, and Max going home for holidays with the Carrigans. Those of you who may have read my Rent fics know that my characters going home for the holidays never bodes well:) There will be some drama and angst, and a teensy bit of romance. It may come soon; it may come later! If you want to know when I put it up, I'd recommend putting me on Author Alert or something.**

**Jenny- Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad to be among one of the first ATU writers. It's a nifty feeling.**

**The Queen of Snape- Thanks! I read a couple of your ATU oneshots too; I really liked them!**

**Mrs. James Harold Potter- I'm sorry for not being more specific, I tried to clear it up in this chapter. From what I understand, a palette knife can be pretty damn sharp; Jude was using it to stab the fabric, but couldn't see very well since he was crying, and ended up accidentally slicing into his fingers. So, in other words, ouch. I did debate for a very long time whether this was going to revolve around Lucy aborting the child, and decided to do it, partly for the drama, partly because I wanted to see where I could go with it.**

**Eriala- Again, mostly, the reason for Lucy not telling Jude was for the drama, and because I wanted to test myself with my angst-writing skills. Thanks for the compliments on my writing; I'm glad since I've never done too much angst prior to this!**

**Ameetah.- Aww, don't doubt! I see that you just started though; I'm really very pleased to be the first on your favorites! That means so much to me. Thank you!!**

**Meggily- I felt like the film covered a lot of emotions too; I really tried to do like you said, capture the way the anger was presented on the screen (I pictured Jude's breakdown in my head being similar to the "Strawberry Fields Forever" scene.) Thanks so much for the compliments!**

**Thanks, girls! The praise means a lot. If you haven't reviewed, please do, and keep your eyes peeled for my other ATU fic(s)!**

**Cheers!**

**- Sally.**


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